I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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