he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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