She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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