I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
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you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
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eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now