There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
