I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.