I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.