Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish I only lived at night.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
