someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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