I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
