She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
