So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Use "feeling words"
Yay
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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