I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
