Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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