took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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