I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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