My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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