Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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