sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
