I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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