Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I AM VODKA MAN
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
