I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
