they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
