She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
