At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
