So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
