I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
