Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
