i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
