you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
