I love black thongs
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
