This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
