North Korea, Best Korea!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
