y did u give ur computer a hand job?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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