i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
