I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
