I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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