If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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