You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
it's like iHOP with fire
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
