I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
whose parrot is this?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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