They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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