So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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