forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
