i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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