You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
