Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
how drunk are you?
Several
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
