I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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