Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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