Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
