Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
