I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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