she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize