I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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