He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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