Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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