She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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