Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
