Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
