I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
