when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
