i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you didnt know i had herpes?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
