If that was your dad, he is hot
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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