My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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